How to Love Men Again - The Stages of Feminism

Learn Sylvia's theory regarding the 3 Stages to reach a state of deep devotion to men while also having a strong stand on feminism! 

1. Stage One: Dormant & Numbness 
   •  At this initial stage, individuals lack awareness of the dynamics between genders.
   • They may exhibit a sense of numbness, passively accepting societal norms without questioning them.
   • Behaviors may include conforming to traditional gender roles and prioritizing male comfort over personal desires.
   • Women may feel compelled to please men without considering their own needs or desires.
2. Stage Two: Awakening that leads into a Rebellion 
   • In this phase, individuals awaken to the injustices and inequalities faced by women in society.
   • They harbor anger and resentment towards societal structures and often direct their frustrations towards men.
   • Women may engage in activism, protest, and feminist discourse, challenging patriarchal norms and asserting their autonomy.
   • There's a rejection of traditional gender roles and a desire to break free from societal expectations, often leading to a rejection of feminine traits and an embrace of masculine qualities.
3. Stage Three: Integration and Balance
   • At the pinnacle of the feminist cycle, individuals transcend anger and rebellion, embracing a more balanced perspective.
   • They recognize the inherent worth and dignity of both men and women, understanding that societal conditioning impacts both genders.
   • There's a shift towards compassion, empathy, and collaboration, fostering healing and understanding between genders.
   • Women reclaim their feminine energy while honoring masculine qualities, seeking harmony and unity rather than division.

Each stage represents a unique phase of personal growth and evolution, characterized by shifts in beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors towards men and gender dynamics. Through self-reflection and introspection, individuals can progress through these stages, ultimately reaching a state of integration and balance.

Listeners are invited to do a  journaling exercise.  This episode serves as a catalyst for self-exploration, encouraging individuals to  embrace a tantric approach to feminism. 

Transcript

So one of the biggest takeaways that I have from the tantric journey that I started is actually my relationship to men. I used to have a very distorted view of the male species, and it wasn't until I really started to believe that all humans are a divine and that we have God inside of us. That my relationship to men started shifting because there's no way that you can have a tantric lifestyle and really believe all of these teachings. If there's a part of you that hates men, if there's a part of you that really thinks that men are trash, that men suck, that all men are cheaters, and that they're just inherently bad and they are unsafe, they will harm you. So there was a moment that my belief systems started, like conflicting each other, and it forced me to really dive deeper into, whoa, wait, what are my current beliefs around men and what do I really think about them? So it wasn't until I started asking myself those questions of like, what do I really think about men in general? Like not focusing on my dad, not focusing on my last partner and not focusing on my current lover or anything like that. Like, what do I really think about men in general, in society? And when I really started answering those questions, I was like, damn, like. I fucking hate men. And here I am, trying to fucking manifest the guy of my dreams. Here I am saying that I want to attract my life partner and all this shit, when inherently I believe that men suck, that men are trash. So I was like, whoa, whoa, wait, I need to, like, work on this. I need to actually change this belief. So it opened up a lot of self-reflection, and it then took me to where I am now, where I can confidently say that I fucking love men. And I think that men are amazing. And I think that there are infinite amounts of amazing men out there, and I attract them, and I meet them constantly, and they're out there and they're doing the work and they're loving. They are in their masculinity and they're like, ready to fucking love women and really be of service. Like the Kings are out there. It took me a while to really get here, and I think that the way that it shifted was actually understanding why I had gotten to that point of hating men. And then once I understood how I got there, I could pretty much get back to my innocence and get back to a place of pure love. So my hope in this episode is that you can actually also realize where you are right now regarding men. Like, what are your beliefs right now? What do you really think about men? And just notice if you were in the same spot as I was and notice that you can actually shift from there. So now I have this belief that they are three stages around the feminist cycle. And before I go into what are those stages, I actually want to let you know. I think all stages are beautiful. I think all stages are important, but you can't stay in the first two stages for too long because then it starts being that mental for you. So the important thing is that you move through the stages and you don't just say in one. The first stage is actually just an awareness. You have no awareness of the dynamics between the female and the male. You're not really mad at men. You're also not like obsessed with men and loving men either. Like you're not honoring them. You're just, you know, life just is. You're you're not really in a feminist path. You're not like rebelling. You're not protesting. You're not really seeing much that you can change in society. You're just playing the game as it is. You're just going through life unaware. Phase one is actually when you're numb. If men. Want you to please them. That's what you do. If men ask you not to wear that shirt, that's what you do. And I would say that pretty much like my grandmother are more like generationally all like in phase one. So as a woman, this is a stage where you might be faking orgasms and you might be just, you know, trying to please men because that's what you have been taught and you don't want to make them uncomfortable. Nothing has really, like, cracked the shell and, like, force you to wake the fuck up. As I start getting a little bit older, my bubbles started to kind of like crack, and I started to realize that not all men are good and there are men out there who can actually be dangerous and who you should be afraid of. So then when I started going to college, I started going way more into the feminine side. So I started reading a lot of books and just really started to dig deeper into all of the problems that women faced in society and started to have conversations about this with other women. And you start realizing like, oh, wait, like, this is not just me, that I've experienced this. A lot of other women are also going through this right now and started to really call myself a feminist. And I wanted to like, be in the protest, and I wanted to like, say this stuff to men. And I wanted to speak out for women, and I wanted to, like, Rebel Against Society. And that is actually moving into stage two. It's the rebel phase. So in this phase, you're you're you're angry because you know, there's something wrong, like you're angry, but you're not so much angry at society. You start being angry at men because you think that men are the problem. You were dormant and then suddenly you woke up and you realize, oh my God, like all of my sisters have been going through sexual abuse their whole life. Like, every time I fucking walk, there's a guy hitting on me, there's a guy honking, there's a guy screaming. Like, every time I have to walk to my apartment, I have to have a key in my hand. And I'm imagining all of the scenarios that could go wrong and all the ways that I could get raped. Every time I choose to wear something sexy, I have to debate whether I want to be feel safe tonight or not. And even if I don't wear something sexy, I could still get raped. And all of this is perpetuated by men, and men are the problem. And in this phase, you know, like you start really building up anger around the male species. You connect with females, you actually feel the rage for the other females, and you collectively feel like you have to protest and you have to rebel. So this is a phase where collectively women are waking up and they're just angry. They have rage. And they started like talking back at men and they start taking their pleasure into their own hands, you know? Mental. Those that we can't be whores. Men told us that we can actually be sexually active, that we have to wait until marriage, that we have to be their property. So you know what? I'm going to rebel. And this might be the phase where women actually start having lots of sex with different males, and they actually started being proud about it. And this is the phase that I think that most of the females right now, like in the feminist world, are in. And I feel like this phase will serve you for a bit of time. But if you stay in this phase, you will never attract the men that you want because in this phase you're in war against the male. The next phase is actually when you realize, wait, I don't need to be at war with men because men are not the problem. The system is the problem. The same way there's so many conditions that this system has put into women. There's also conditions that are being put into men. We as women have a lot of problems in society, but so do men. There are different problems, but we both have them. And in the rebel phase, you're just focus in your problems and you're not looking at the other's problems. Once you start realizing like, wait, like men are subject to the same conditions. Like they can't cry. They need to portray like the stereotype, like they can't be emotional. Which is why a lot of men suicide, like there's the highest rate of suicide is in men. Because women. Yeah, like we're told, like we're too emotional. But then we can communicate with our sisters and we can have those spaces, but men don't. Men are supposed to be strong all the time. Like this is, you know, like what the system says and what what they've been taught. Also like, the same way we've been taught that we need to be quiet and we need to be super nice, and we need to please everyone, and we need to be polite and delicate and all these stuff. Men have been taught that they need to be strong, that they can show any weakness, and that they, you know, like they don't have any meaning of women are not attracted to them and that they need to have sex and that that's part of who they are. And like, they can't control themselves and that they're animals. And there's so many other stuff that men are conditioned to. Men are going through it the same way that we are. So you start having compassion to the males and you actually realize, like, okay, we need to actually come together in order to heal this. Like if we really want a shift in the world, we need to come together like it's not females over males is actually females and males getting together. Now. Something that I forgot to mention earlier is that in stage two, when you're rebelling, you also want to prove that as a woman you can be just like a man. And in this phase, we go into our male energy. And I can tell you I was full on in this phase. So this is the phase where you want to prove to society that you can do it all, that as a woman, even on your period, you can go do that CrossFit class, that as a woman, even when you're super tired, even when you feel like your body is asking you to stay in bed, you're going to wake up and you're going to go do the thing, and you're going to prove everyone that you can do it because you're strong, like men. And in this phase, like we want to actually become the entrepreneurs, the CEO, the boss woman. We want to make more, more money than men. We want to prove that we actually can do it all and even better than men. So in this phase, we're going full on into our masculinity and we're completely ditching our feminine side. So we actually, like, get obsessed with productivity. We get obsessed with showing everyone, like, everything that we can do, and we go crazy. Like we're going like we're like pumping the caffeine, doing it all. Like we're the girl that goes to the club, but we're also the girl that works. We're also the girl that studies were also like this super confident woman and like, we're doing it all, but we're not resting. We're not understanding that as women were cyclical beings. That is completely different to the male, and we're not honoring that space. So in this phase two, you're not only rebelling against the men, you're also rebelling against your own nature as a woman. And you want to prove society, and you want to prove everyone that you can be just like a man. But the reality is, you will never be happy if you're acting like a man, because your body is not designed to act like a man. Their body is designed to act a certain way, and they have the rhythm for that. We don't. We need to rest at certain times of the month we have. Other times our productivity goes insane when we're ovulating. Like there's so many fluctuations to our cycle. In this phase two, you're completely dishonoring your body. You don't have a relationship with your body. You're actually punishing your body for being a certain way. It's also in this stage, the woman is kind of like, I don't give a shit about your pleasure. Like, you've been getting your pleasure all this time. Like you're always it's always about your orgasm. You're always ejaculating. No no no no no no. It's about me. Like, there's many ways that one can go in the rebel stage, but the main concept is the same. Like you're you're rebelling against the male and. The system. Now, it's also in this phase that we reject certain chivalry, like we we reject certain acts of males that are actually very beautiful and very kind because we associate them with making us weaker than them. For example, this is the phase where a feminist will get annoyed or mad that the guy pays the bill. This is the phase that as a woman, you will get annoyed that the guy opens the door for you. And this is the part that we don't realize that we're actually making more harm than good, because there they are, the good men out there that are actually doing these nice things, being thoughtful, being super in their masculine. And here we are telling them that we don't like that that's wrong, that that actually makes us feel like we're weak and that who does he think he is to be doing this for? Me, I can do this for myself. And this is a phase where you become very independent. You don't want men to help you. You don't want men to be there for you, to serve you, to treat you like a queen, because you want to be the one doing all of that for yourself. And again, there's a beauty in all of the faces. So there's things in this phase that for a time are good, like it's good for you as a woman, like, especially if you've always been very dependent on men and if you always been, like jumping from relationship to relationship and you don't know how to be alone, being in this phase might actually be good for you for a while, because you learn to provide for yourself and be there for you. But staying in this phase too long is where you don't want to be, because then you're never accepting love from men. And you might be like, oh, like there's not good men out there. All of them are trash. I don't attract any good men, but it's because you're not open to receiving the good stuff that the good men out there are willing to give you. So you're repelling those men, and you're only attracting the ones that don't want to give you shit. Moving from this phase again, you start realizing that there's good men out there, and that the ones who you might think are not good are just traumatized by society. Like they also need to heal the same way we as women need to heal a lot of our trauma that society has spit on us. The same thing goes for the men. They also need to heal and containers. They also need to have male circles and brotherhood, and they also need someone to hug them and pamper them and be there for them. So in conclusion, the third phase is actually when you start realizing the importance of balancing both energies, the female and the male energy. And you start realizing that there are amazing men out there who are doing the work, who are healing their trauma, who are showing up the best way that they can for themselves and for women. So once you start accepting that there are amazing men out there in infinite quantities, you will start actually meeting them. So going through the phases, the most important thing is to actually start reprogramming your thoughts and your beliefs around men. After you listen to this, journal out these questions. Number one is what are your beliefs around men right now? What are your core beliefs around men? And this might actually take you some time because there's a lot of beliefs that just may be subconscious. So ask yourself, do you think that there's good men out there in infinite quantities, or do you think that all the good men are already taken? Do you think that men are inherently animals? You know, like they they can't control their sex impulses? That all men are going to betray you, that all men are cheaters, that all men are disgusting, are dirty, they're not clean, you name it. There's so many ways that we diminish men and that we actually criticize them all the time between sisters. Like it's so common. Like after I started kind of transitioning from stage two to stage three, I got so hyper aware of the conversations that us women have around men. And I was just like, wow, how would we feel if this was the way that men spoke about us? I've even brought this up a lot of times in dinner conversations with friends, and they've actually been like, they do. So there's nothing wrong with us doing this. Like there's nothing wrong with us saying all of this. Like, I know men out there are trashing women too, and it's like, there is, because if you believe that there can be a union between the sexes, and the peace is actually when both sexes are actually lifting each other up, then there has to be a moment that we stop doing that. So just ask yourself, what do you believe around men right now? And it might take you some time. You might want to go back into your past relationships. Ask yourself, how do you speak about men, whether when they're not there, how do you speak to men? Notice how you feel with them around you. Do you think that you can actually be safe around men? And obviously this is going to depend on your history with men, and it's completely understandable that that is what created your belief around men. But now is the time that you get to actually rewrite those stories, because the reality is, until you don't change those stories, you're going to keep attracting that kind of men, and you're not going to be available for for the kind of men. Four different. Once you put it in paper, read it again and and notice how you feel about that. Like do you really want those to be your beliefs? Like, do you really want to operate live from that place, or do you want to take the time to reframe those belief systems and do it like literally write in your notebook the opposite of that thought. Let's say the classic you think men are trash, men are cheaters. Then right there. Men are amazing divine beings or whatever resonates with you, but just really make it powerful. And if you have to have that mantra for a while and you need to repeat this over and over for a couple of days, do it and notice how you start feeling. Notice how how you start changing the way that you communicate with men. Notice how you start changing the men who appear in your life. The places where I've had the most amount of healing towards men has not really been with, you know, therapists, coaching or anything like that. It's just being in the presence of those men. And that is what started like changing my belief system, actually being in the presence of men like this. So if you've if you really feel like I've never actually experienced this, like, I don't know any men who are the opposite of what I think about men right now. You need to get yourself into containers where those kind of men would be. For example, like if you're that girl who only goes to female circles, you're never going to expose yourself to that container. Go to mix stuff like go to mix retreats, go to mixed circles, go to places where you are going to meet this man. And this is not about dating. This is just about you changing your belief system and realizing that there are men out there with the qualities that you think that don't even exist. And once your belief systems start changing, then is when you actually start attracting them in your regular day to day, like now. I don't need to really like put myself in this environment as much because naturally I could just be walking the sidewalk with my dog and I'm going to meet one of them, and I'm going to be like, of course, because my first thought when I come across a male now is already that he is amazing and that he is great, and I'm not thinking like, oh, let me wait until the bad thing pops up. Like, I already believe that men are incredible and I have so much honor and devotion to men that I constantly meet amazing men who have the qualities that would actually increase that feeling and keep increasing my belief system. So each time I meet another one, my belief system keeps opening more and more like, wow, they're so amazing. And men feel that men really feel when your core belief is that they are trash. And how do you think that that makes them feel like? Do you think they want to be around someone who they can feel is already judging them just by their presence? Like a lot of men now are just trying to heal the fact that they feel shame of being men. Yes, there's still a lot of men out there who are doing very bad things to women and who are really like, fucking us up, but they are also fucked up. Someone fucked them up too. Men have wounds with their mothers, and then they go out into the world and they wound other women. And then the circle goes on and on about each person harming the other one. The cycle doesn't end until you actually start working on yourself, and then you actually start being a healing vessel to people around you, and so are they to you. So in conclusion, I do feel like one of the most beautiful things about Tantra is that it really made me adore men like, I feel so honored that they want to exchange sexually with me, that they want to exchange their presence with me openly. Tell me about their thoughts, their feelings, their emotions. And yes, there's a lot of men who are working in their communication, but there's also a lot of men who who have already done the work, who can really express, express themselves and can really communicate. And that also comes when they feel safe, too. So there's there's so many angles, like we as women need to feel safe in order to go into deep states of pleasure, and they need to feel safe in order to open their heart and open their communication like it goes both ways. And the beauty about stage three is actually like once she notices the power that the male has, the beauty that it has, she starts honoring the male. She starts actually finding balance between her both energies. She stops faking orgasms. She actually wants to devour the male. She really wants to give you pleasure and give her self pleasure. I hope this resonates with you. If there's any type of resistance, I'm curious to know if you feel like, oh my God, that has actually been me. Or maybe I'm in phase one or I'm already in phase three. I'm just generally curious to know if this is actually a thing, or if I'm just making it up thinking that there's a lot of women out there feeling the same way. And if you're a male and you're listening to this, oh my God, congrats. I hope this really helps you understand why some women are a certain way.