Transforming Beliefs About Sex through Sacred Exploration

A journey from fear, to performance to then  fulfillment & presence, delving deep into the transformative power of sacred sexuality. Sylvia shares her personal evolution, from grappling with societal taboos and shame surrounding sex to embracing Tantra and conscious exploration. Through introspection and intentional dating, she navigates the delicate balance of desire and self-respect, seeking genuine connections that honor her boundaries and elevate her pleasure. With vulnerability and courage, she offers invaluable insights into reclaiming agency over one's sexuality, fostering deep intimacy, and transcending limiting beliefs.

The Safe Sex Convo - Episode by Leola (@talktantratome) that explains amazingly how to have the pre conversation in a fun sexy way!

Transcript

As I dived more into the teachings of Tantra and incorporated it into every area of my life. It's also infiltrated into the area of sex, and sex is something that I've gone through a lot of stages, like being afraid of sex and thinking that sex was something shameful, thinking that sex had to be hidden. Then I couldn't do that as it was something prohibited, that it was something that men wanted to get from you. And once they got it, they were going to leave you. So if you actually wanted a guide to love you, you couldn't give that to them. It was something that you kind of like, hold it. And there was a lot of like your pure, if you're a virgin and you're dirty, you know, and shameful if you had sex. And I believe that for a lot of time. That's why I didn't have sex, because I was afraid of that. And any chance that I had of having sex for the first time, I would get close. And then I would, like, literally get petrified. And obviously, like, you grow up and time passes and then you meet other people and you kind of like, go into the world and you start having experiences. And that's when I actually started to view sex a little bit different. And I was like, hmm, sex is not bad. It's just normal. Like it's just something that we all do. And like, why would God give us this act if it's bad, you know? So I started questioning all of those beliefs. And I at the same time was hanging around with a lot of people who were having sex, and they were active, and they were telling me how great it was and all this stuff. So I was like, you know, I kind of want to have it. And I started kind of like telling myself, like, sex is nothing, sex is normal. But at the same time. Ah, he didn't have a relationship with myself. I didn't have a relationship with my pleasure. So there was a lot of shame of my body. There was a lot of shame of how I needed to act in sex and what I needed to do when what I was supposed to feel. And after I actually started having sex, I was like, oh, this is it. I mean, this is shitty. Like this isn't that good? Like, this is actually like black. Also, I was just doing it drunk, so I was pretty numb and I wasn't really feeling shit. So it just became like this performance, like, I, I had seen porn, so might as well kind of do what the girls do in porn, because I think that's what we need to do. So yeah. All scream. Yeah. All moan. Yeah, I'll say it feels good. Although I don't fucking feel shit. 1s It was all pretty distorted. Now that I kind of like can look back at it, but I know that when you're in that place and everyone around you is in that place, then it's normal. And like, I can look back now and I remember being in my apartment moaning super hard when I was feeling nothing and having conversations with my housemates the next day and then being like, wow, like, oh, you were like really moaning last night. Like he like that was really good, right? And I was like, yeah, it was the best sex of my life. All this bullshit crap. We literally lie to each other all the time to keep up with this idea of what we're supposed to feel, because at this point, I'm thinking I'm broken. I'm the one who doesn't feel shit. I'm the one who wasn't satisfied. Like there's something wrong with me. I think most of the problems were sex is the lack of education that we have, and the fact that the majority of us just know about sex with our friends have told us what we've seen in porn, where we may be read on some magazine or something, and we don't really know what the fuck we're doing. And no one is teaching us. No one is telling us anything. At that point, I don't know any better, I don't know, but the service that I was doing to myself, the way that I was putting myself out there with random dudes, I didn't know much about safe sex either. Like, yeah, put a condom. But that was pretty much like I didn't really know much about, like, STIs. Like I didn't know any of that stuff. All that I knew regarding that was like, if I got one, I'm dead. That's what I thought. If I get one, I'm dead. When obviously that is like, complete bullshit. That is so not it. So fast forward, I started reading a lot of personal development. Start believing in energy. I'm realizing that sex is actually way bigger than what I thought. Like it has huge effects on my energetic field. I have to be careful who I exchange myself with, and I actually need to, you know, like take care of my energetic field. I became very selective and I was like, I'm only gonna have sex with my committed partner when I have one, and that's it, because I'm not gonna create, like, ties with anyone. That's it. And yes, like, I actually ended up then going into a committed partnership and only had sex with that person. Then that relationship ended. I continue with that belief. Then I went into another committed partnership, only had sex with that person, and then their relationship ended. And that actually was the time that I started to go really deep into Tantra, and I started implementing all of the teachings and all areas of my life. And then I started to really think about sex again. And I was like, hmm, yes, I still believe that I have to be selective with who I exchange sexually because like, this is like a big energetic exchange. But now I have a different belief around men. And I do believe that amazing men exist in infinite quantities. So I don't just need to have sex with one partner for the rest of my life. Also, you know, like my view of relationship changed. I started practicing open relating. So a lot of a lot of things shifted in my mentality to the point that I was like, you know what? I want to intentionally take a year to fully explore sexually, but I want to do it in a sacred way. I want to do it in a conscious way. And I ask myself a lot of times, like, is this even fucking possible? Or am I just like lying to myself and just, like, fucking around? And I think that there is like a really thin line between, like, consciously sleeping around and just randomly fucking around, you know? So I was like, I want to do this, right. So the first thing that I did is that I created an intention for that time. And my intention was that I wanted to consciously date multiple men or people like, I wanted to explore all of my sexuality because I wanted to know what was out there. I wanted to experience different people. I wanted to experience different kinds of pleasure. I wanted to see what different people brought out in myself. I wanted to allow myself to show up. However. I could like horror hint I had never done before. I also wanted to explore like different relating styles. So I also had intentions for dating like romantically. Not just the sexual parts, but I like. I really dig down and I journal that shit and I was like, okay, what really feels true to me right now? And then I started being really fucking vocal about it. I started telling people that that was my intention. I was publicly putting a like in my dating profile because yes, I downloaded a dating app and I was very vocal and each of my dates, I was very vocal with my friends, I was vocal in my social media. I was just like, this is my intention and this is what I'm putting out into the universe. And I knew that by doing that, two things were happening. I was repelling the people who were not aligned with my intention, and I was attracting the people who were. So naturally, I was not fucking around with people who were not able to provide that for me and who were not also looking that looking for that themselves. So I was only having. These amazing sexual experiences with men that also wanted to explore their sexuality, who also wanted to get to know, like different women who were also working on their relationship with themselves, with women. And just like I could go way deeper into all the characteristics, but the thing is that I was clear with my intention, and I think that that is the number one problem. The number one reason why there's so many shitty one night stands and shitty like dating experiences right now is because people are not clear of what they're looking for. They're not vocal about it. And I didn't realize how good I got at this after I was actually recently in a dinner conversation with a female friend, and she's like, super conscious. She she's she's amazing and she's done all of her work. And she has a very similar story to me in terms of our past with sex and how now, like, she has actually been celibate for a long time and she's ready to get back, like in the dating field. But she was like, how the fuck am I going to find men who are actually, like, at the level of what I'm looking for and can actually understand what kind of sex I want to have and all this stuff. And we just went really deep into the conversation and I started giving a bunch of tips, and I was like, oh my God, I need to do an episode about this. So pretty much the tips that I was giving her were, of course, number one. Like, get clear on your intention, link to you on a date to explore sexually. Do you want to date because you want to find like a romantic like long term partner? Like what do you really want to be first starting like this straight dating journey and then if you want to also include in this journey sexual experiences, why? Like what do you want to gain from it? Like what do you want to gain from the sexual side? Okay, so these are the things that I kind of like do when I'm dating in order to really vet. If this is someone who I'm going to sleep with, who is aligned with all of this and who I'm not gonna feel shitty if this ends up being a one night stand, or if we decide that this is like a one night stand, like I'm not going to feel shame after, like, what do I do to actually know if this is a person and I have certain guidelines? So here they are number one. You need to be sober. You both need to be sober. So I actually don't like having any sexual experience now where I'm not sober. And yes, I, I've done it with like a glass of wine or maybe one beer top two, but there's no way that it can be more than that. Like, I'm not going to be high, ideally. Like I wouldn't even drink anything. Like I intentionally go on dates and ask for mocktails because I really want to be in all of my senses. And there's a lot of reasons for this. Number one, obviously, because I want to be fully able to give my consent. I want to be able to say yes because I want to and because my pussy wants to, and I want to be able to hear her. Or I want to be able to hear the know, and I want to be able to say no, because that's what I genuinely want. And I know that when there's alcohol involved or weed, whatever the substance, it can get very blurry. And I already know that alcohol brings out a way different version of me. So I want to intentionally be sober during the date in order to be able to have all of these conversations, and in order to be in my best state to make decisions that I will not regret the next day. 1s The other reason for this is because I also want to like one of my intentions in the sexual side is I want to be able to tap into divine states of pleasure, and I want to be able to actually connect with the divine. And I also know that I want to have sex in order to receive the medicine of sex. Like I want to heal through sex. So a lot of times when I'm having sex, I realize areas of myself that I can still give love to, then I can still like that they need a little bit of loving. So when I'm drunk, I'm not self-conscious about my body. Like when I'm drunk, I don't care. Like I think that I'm hot as fuck, but when I'm sober I can actually relays in sex hall. My relationship with myself is if my self-love is actually there or if it's just bullshit. And of course, we have some days and others that we have better thoughts and others that are like we're. Struggling a little bit, but I want to be able to really know where I'm at, and sex is a really good place to explore that, like when you're in partnership, like, and I mean, like when you're with another person who is seeing you naked, that level of vulnerability will really show you like what you think of yourself. Like, are you thinking, oh my God, I don't want him to go down on me because I think that I smell bad and I think that pussy smell bad. And it's like, that's what I've been taught, and that's what the media tells me. And oh my God, I don't want this. And I'm scared and all this shit, like when you're drunk, you don't even think about that. Like when you're sober, you might be more conscious and other thoughts might come around, you know, like your your body and like your self-esteem. So I like to know where I'm at. Like, how is my mental health regarding my body? Number two, I would say that if you're going to have sex, you have to have the same sex conversation. And I know that you might tell me that this is going to be awkward and blah, blah, blah. I have, in the notes of this episode a link to a podcast episode that I fucking loved that has like a script to have, like certain conversations, like certain questions before you have sex. And it explains really well how you can make this like, really like sexy and fun and how you can actually ask about any condition. Like when was the last time that you got tested? When was the last time that you had like unprotected sex? There's so many questions there that you want to ask before you go into that. And again, we're talking about conscious dating. So the way that the person handles this conversation is so important. So I think that it's better for you to have like an awkward moment. And realize, like, okay, this is not the person who I'm gonna exchange sexually because they're immature as fuck, and I'm asking them about their sexual health and they're actually getting triggered and defensive. Then this is not going anywhere, because clearly this is not someone who is going to be able to give you conscious sex. So that's already telling you exactly what you needed to know. On the other hand, they might actually go really deep into it and you might realize a lot of things and a lot might open. And this actually creates a lot of intimacy. So you really want to have all of those bases covered. You really want to make sure that if you go into having sex, you're not going to be scared the next day. You're not going to be like regretting that you had sex and you didn't, like, know if this person had anything like you didn't know this person was even in a relationship. You really want to make sure that all of the variables like are clear. I like to ask like their relationship status or they dating other people. Like, are they currently sleeping with other people? You want to know all these stuff before you go into into this sacred act. And again, these can sound like hard, awkward conversations that can be like a bummer. Like, you really talk about this on your first date. But really, if you do it well, you can make it spicy. You can make it fun. You can make it curious. Like I'm not there. Like reading, like question by question, you know, like it's a conversation, it's a dialogue. And you can kind of like play with it and it can become really, really nice. So yeah, you want to make sure that you have all of those bases covered. So once I'm in the act, there's also certain things that I do. And this is more like with myself to honor my intention again. So for example, in order for me to consider this like a sacred sex, I need to feel like I'm honoring all of myself and I'm being true to myself, and I'm not going back to the places that I used to be at. So one of the rules is I don't fake orgasms. It doesn't help anyone. And it just is not who I want to be anymore. Like, I won't say that I enjoy something that I'm not. I'm not trying to, like, fake my way through it. Like my intention is to actually enjoy this and to be curious and to explore my body and yours and all of the emotions. So I'm not going to be able to jump on that roller coaster of the emotions if I'm faking them and if I'm just trying to, like, have it stop. Like if I wanted to stop, I will tell you, like I need a break or I actually, I don't feel like doing this anymore since I started like all of this journey. Like, yes, I fucking cried in sex a bunch of times. I've gotten mad at sex. Like I've giggled and had so many, like, laughs at sex because sex is a beautiful energy that actually moves emotions. So it's totally normal for you to like, feel the whole spectrum of emotions. And that's what I'm striving for. Like, that's the kind of sex that I want to have. I want to have like an awakening sex that moves all of me. So I welcome in, like if I need to cry, like, if I feel like crying, I'm gonna cry. And again, I've already vetted this person. So this person gets that and it actually and is actually honored by that. And they might cry too. And the other rule that I have is I am not going to put in the back burner. The practices that I've taken so long to develop. For example, I now have a relationship with my pussy and I think that my pussy is an entity of its own. So like I speak to her and I think that she has a voice and I can hear her. I know if you're not in this role, you might kind of think that I'm crazy when I swear this is a thing. Like I have a relationship with my womb. She speaks to me. If I speak to her and I actually listen, I get answers from her. And this is a power that we can all tap into. So it's taken me a long time to get here. So I'm not about to be in a fucking sex encounter and throw that down the garbage, for example, something that I always say, don't go in until she calls you in, because I think that she, like she is the one that decides if someone goes inside of her, not me. She and she will let you know. Then she will let me know too. So that is something that I always say. Because one, I want you to know that you need to listen to her, and you need to see her as an entity because she has one. And I'm not about to disrespect for it. The other thing is, just like it sets the tone of the way that I want to be treated, it also sets the pace. Another thing is, I am very vocal about what I like, and I make sure to let you know if I don't like it either. So I don't really believe that much in like giving hardcore criticism during sex, because I think it can actually be like very intense to your ego at the moment. And it can also like push you back and make you self-conscious and just kind of like disrupt, like the flow that you might be in and like kind of like break your confidence. So I like being more positive reinforcement. So if you do something that I like and it feels good, I'm going to be vocal about it. And if you do something that I don't, I'm gonna dim that down. So you're gonna notice the difference. And that actually allows for a really good flow. And this person starts reading your body going deeper into my experiences too. So you might get an idea of what is possible when I say that, like one night stands can be sacred and healing, I'm not just referring to like, the sexual energy that can move up inside of you and actually heal. I'm also talking about just acts that like shift your mentality. So for example, I've had one dance with men who have helped me like love men again, who will actually help me view men differently and realize like, yeah, there's amazing men out there. So one experience that I had that I was like, wow, like, this was a one night stand that I'm like, so grateful that I had. We were having this amazing sex that I really felt like I was like going into bliss and makes a, like a really long meditation, even really hard to, like, explain like in words. But that was extremely beautiful. But what happened after was actually like after we held like this amazing sex, we realized, like I had gotten my period during the act and I had like bled all over the bed and it was like a white, like a white sheet. So it was like super clear in all of this. And a lot of my past beliefs around bleeding came up. I was gonna go super fast to say I'm sorry, like, I'm gonna wash it. And this guy just really, like, looks at me and he's like, oh. 1s So yeah. No problem. Like it's totally okay. Like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like I'll wash it. Like I'm gonna put like a, like a top for you. Like I'm gonna put, like, all water in case you have like, pain. And I'm going to like, wash a sheet and everything's good like, wow. Like. And he was like amazing about it. And I was like, wow. I really, really like working on, like, honoring my blood and all this stuff and like randomly how this experience and I'm like, yeah, man, can actually like be cool around fucking blood. And it can be normal and it can be super, okay. It doesn't need to be a big deal or anything. That itself Will was like super healing to me. It doesn't just need to be like the actual sex. It can also be just like the container and the experience of connecting with another being where you've both been intentional about your connection. Honestly, I'm going to leave you with that because I'm sure that I'll kind of go into it more in other episodes. But my invitation to you is not necessarily go into having like a bunch of sex is that if that's not what is like calling you, but if you are practicing that right now, go deeper into your why. Go deeper into your intention. Go deeper into who you're letting inside of you. And like water the conversations that you're having before. How do you feel after like that's like a very important one after you're having those encounters, how are you feeling after like, are you feeling actually nourished? Are you feeling like better? Like, are you feeling like you had good pleasure? Like like how are you feeling? Like, is it positive or are you feeling like empty? Are you feeling like anxious? Are you feeling the stress is like, what are you feeling after? Because if the feeling is not good, then don't like take a time to like really regroup and analyze like your view of sex and how you're practicing and with who you're practicing it. And all of that. So yeah, I guess I just want to be a resource of be shaming sex and giving actual tips on. If you're gonna do it, then maybe implement a little bit of this. So yeah, just let me know what you think and if there's any other tips that you might have. I'm like super open to hearing them and to knowing more about your experience in your sexual journey of that something that you want to share with me.