Exploring Open Relating: My Journey, Misconceptions, and Realizations So Far

Hey there, curious listeners! Today's episode is a deep dive into a topic that's close to my heart: open relationships. Join me as I challenge the status quo and embark on a journey to explore the boundless possibilities of love beyond traditional constraints.

 We unravel the complexities of open relating, dismantling misconceptions and shedding light on the beauty of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

We uncover the importance of communication, honesty, and self-awareness in forging meaningful connections outside the realm of monogamy. It's a journey of self-discovery that invites you to embrace love with open arms and an open mind.

So whether you're curious about exploring open relationships or seeking validation in your own journey, this episode is for you. Join me as we rewrite the rules and redefine what it means to love deeply and authentically. 

*** Disclaimer: Open Relating can have different meanings. Theres so many terms & definitions in the world of non monogamy. For many open relating is strictly a main partnership of two that is opened into exploring more casually with others wether that is sexual or romantically. I use the term "open relating" a lot in the episode when Im actually referring more to "polyamory" or a broader spectrum of any "non monogamy". I decided to leave the episode as it is and not go in to edit every single time I said it wrong.  ***

Transcript

So what is open relating and is it for you or not? I know this is something that has been kind of like trending recently, and a lot of people are kind of curious about open relationships, whether it's like something real, whether it's just like a trend. And I think there's a lot of judgment in the world, um, towards people who are doing open relating, of course, because it's like out of the norm and also because I think there's a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of misconceptions towards what it really is. I think mainstream likes to think likes, likes to associate everything to sex. And a lot of people just see open relating as this this like shade code to relationships where. 1s There's like cheat code to relationships where you can fuck around and where you can just have sex with a lot of people. And I just want to make it super clear this is not open reality and this is not polyamory, and this is not at all what it really is. That doesn't mean that there's no people out there that might be doing that using that name, but this is not really the true essence of this relating style. So the same way there's a huge amount of people doing monogamy and cheating constantly and on their partners, which goes super against monogamy. That doesn't mean that the concept of monogamy doesn't work. I want to make it super clear I have absolutely nothing against monogamy. I think that all relationship styles are beautiful, and if they are done consciously and they are the relating style that best. 1s Best complements that relationship, then it's going to be perfect. It's going to be beautiful. I just think that the the problem is when people pick a certain relating style based on their insecurities, based on their fears, and just coming from a place of lack instead of a place of expansion. I know a lot of people who truly believe in monogamy and want to be in a monogamous relationship, because they love the essence of deeply connecting to just one person and throughout life, continuing to get to know this one person, fully committing to one and like that, allows them to go way deeper into the relationship. And I think that is fucking amazing. For a lot of time, I, I was looking for that. I was searching to have that kind of connection where I would be completely submitted to this person, and I wanted to just have this one life partner. Now my view of life has just shifted and my current reality has shifted. My desires have have have shifted, and I also have gotten to get to know more what other kind of relating styles exist. Now, kind of going a little bit back, I want to explain a little bit how I even got here. So yes, I've been doing monarch like I have been doing monogamous relationships since, since I, you know, like can remember and I've had a really beautiful relationship the same way I've gotten shitty ones and the whole thing, I've been cheated on. I've been honored. The whole thing. Um, but towards the end of, of my last relationship, I really felt like. I was desiring a different kind of life, and I felt like the relationship was good and stable, but I really felt like I, I just continued to have connections with other people, and I wanted to explore that. Like there was a part of me that was really curious to. Continued to explore dynamics and continue to get to know other men and other people, and I just felt like I just had so much love inside of me that I wanted to give it to more people. Um, but this was something that at that time really didn't feel. They feel like it was very scary. I really didn't have the tools. This was not something that my partner wanted to do. And, you know, like I kind of just dropped it and things kind of were left there. And it wasn't until the relationship ended that I was like, I really want to take time to explore open relating, because I already know that monogamy can work like I truly believe that it can, although there's huge statistics about the level of, you know, like divorces and breakups and people cheating on each other and all that shit that already happens in monogamy. I really, truly believe in my core that if two people love each other deeply and they are committed to one another, monogamy can be amazing and they can make it work and it can be truly expansive for them. So I know that already now. I didn't know if open relating was actually a real thing that could work. So I was like, I want to explore it. I want to know if if it's something that that might fulfill me more, if it's something that I would really enjoy. So I just don't want to, like brush it off and be like, no, I'm not going to do that because people criticize me or I'm not going to do that because what the fuck are my parents going to think in society? And how complicated that's going to be? Like, having one boyfriend is hard. Imagine having three like, no, no, no, no. And I was like, you know what? I just want to give it a try and explore it and see by actually putting myself there, if this was something that that would work for me. Now I have only explored solo poly pretty much. I've only only kind of explore like dating other people who are also, um, dating openly. Now, I haven't been at this moment. I haven't been in like a serious, committed relationship openly. Just because I haven't been in a serious, committed relationship this past year. Um, so I just want to make it clear that whatever I'm saying comes from my experience. More from like, solo poly, because, you know, I don't want to be that person that tells you like, oh, like. 1s Um. Polyamory works. It's amazing. And, like, you can get married and and, like, have three different partners. La la la la la. I've never actually done that, so I just wanted to be real. This is where I'm at. I've only explored more casual dating because that's what I've been doing. More casual dating with people who do believe in open relating. Now, I have mainly been with guys who do have other prime like I don't want to use the word primary, um, who do have other partners. So they, they do have like committed partnerships and are either looking for another partner or open to it, or they're just open to having other casual connections, sexual connections. And the list can go on. Now, there's so much diversity in this world, like monogamy is one, but non-monogamy is like so many options that you can have a throuple where you have three people who are dating each other. You can have like four people dating everyone in the group, 5 or 6, whatever. And you can continue where everyone dates everyone and they're committed to each other and it's all one relationship. Or you can have more. What I've been exploring, which is 101 connections, but you have multiple of those. So, for example, I dated a guy who pretty much has like five different partners. Some are more committed. They have been together for years, others are a little bit newer, and they're still like getting to know each other. So I'm a little bit more casual. So more like like more of like living together. So it really varies. I think that once you enter the open relating world, you really you really get to to make your own rules. You realize, like you get to pick whatever works for your relationship and whatever works for you. As long as everyone who is involved in that dynamic is is consensual about that, and that works for them. So. There. There is a lot of space for you to explore, and I feel like now I'm exploring this. But eventually I might be exploring different kind of dynamics where maybe I do have a committed partner, where we're open and maybe we do explore separately sexually, maybe we explore together sexually, maybe we explore intimate connections, not just sexual. Maybe we do swinging. You know, that's a thing I've never explored that. I don't it's not I'm not really called to it right now, to be honest. But like, there's so many different kinds of dynamics and there's having a thing in the community where swinging is kind of not considered open because they're not really like. 1s Going into intimate love. It's way more like sexual, but I'm not going to go into those debates. I really don't care. Um, I feel whatever works for everyone. Beautiful. But the main essence of. 1s Open. Relating, I would say, is the belief that one has the capacity to love more than one person. One has the capacity to love more than one. Now that was my biggest seller. I've always felt like even when I'm in relationships and I really feel like I love this person. I've had a lot of moments where I'm like, but I also love this other person, but I'm starting to have all of these emotions with this other person. And in monogamy, there's like this belief that then that means that you don't really love the person who you're with, and then you should break up and be with the next person then. Or like, there's so much shame for even feeling those desires towards someone else. And then you repress those feelings and then they just kind of like boil up and explode. So I always felt like there was something in me that didn't feel like it didn't feel right to be like, oh, you can only love romantically. One person like that for me felt weird because I was like, my parents love their three children exponentially the same and like their love for my sister has nothing to do with their love for me. Like how much they love my sister doesn't diminish the love they have for me. So like I could always understand how society wise. It was super understood to have that kind of love and family dynamics and in friendships. But then it wasn't. It wasn't applied to romantic partnerships and that really just felt weird. I was like, it doesn't make any sense. Like, I, I can have this beautiful, thriving friendship and then meet another girl and have this beautiful, thriving friendship. And I can make time for both. And both friendships can be growing and can be fulfilling, and they're different. What I do with this friend is totally different than what I do with this other friend. How I show up in the world with this friend is different than how I show up with this other friend. And like each friend, brings a different side of me. And like that fulfills me because like, sometimes I want to go out clubbing with this family because, like, she brings out more the partier in me and like that kind of more goofy. And like maybe this other friends brings out more the spiritual in me. And we go and do yoga and we have a different kind of dynamic and we have different conversations. And it would be insane for me to expect a friend A to be able to have all of that with me when I can just have a friend A and friend B, so I could always understand that. As like in friendships and in family dynamics. But I was like, why the thought this doesn't apply to romantic relationships? Like, that's insane. Especially when I felt like I could be attracted to so many people and it was just crazy. In fact, like, I remember like my first like, well, no, my first, but one of my first boyfriends, I remember, like, being in high school and like, going out to like, clubs and stuff and telling him like, hey, like, can you, like, go to the bar and, like, hit on another girl? Like, I just kind of want to see and like, that would turn me on. And he would think that I was just freaking weird as he was like, is this like a joke? Like, is this like a trick? Like, I'm not going to do it? And I was like, no, really? Like, I would love to like, see, like how fun with other people and like, mingle. Like, it doesn't have to be everything about me. Like, go flirt. Whatever. Like, flirting is fun. And it was something that no one in past relationships really enjoyed. And I do know some monogamous relationships who do that. And they feel like that is enough. Like just a flirting and not going any deeper. That is enough to fulfill them. But the thing is, like, that was one of the things that made me like kind of question why I was just being in monogamous relationships. Fast forward last year, I started having deeper conversations about these topics with friends and to my surprise, many of them were actually in open dynamics and in open relationships, and I was able to actually ask them a lot of questions. I was able to understand where they came from, what challenges they had, and what they actually loved about those kind of dynamics. And as it started to become normal in my head, because, again, there were people around me who were doing it. I was like, okay, so this is something that is tangible. This is something that. Can access because I was like, okay, like, I know people on Instagram who who are an open relationship, but I don't know anyone around me, like, how am I going to find different people to invade openly? But as soon as I started, like really opening up to the idea of it, then suddenly people start appearing in my world like people that I like. I had been friends for years and I didn't even fucking know. Um, started to kind of like open up to me and telling me that that was something that they were exploring or that they used to explore, and my curiosity just kind of like grew bigger and bigger, and I started to read about it. I started to like, follow more accounts and like everything, you know, like kind of I kind of went into the the vortex of like, okay, I really want to get to know more about this. And when I do start dating, I was like, I'm only going to do it like this. And I was very open in my in like my dating app that I was, um, dating openly and it was it is an app that is mainly for people who date openly. So that was cool. So I was able to meet other people who also explore it. And then as soon as I started dating men who were also dating openly, I was like, oh my God, this is perfect. Like, I love it. I love the fact that we feel compression. And just so you know, like that is one of the things that that also sold me, like compression is this feeling of like happiness even turned on. For your partner having another dynamic with someone else. Like for example, like the fact that I would get turned on and that I would enjoy a partner, like flirting with another person, that's a little bit of compulsion. Like when you feel true love because your partner is happy and is receiving what they need. But it's not you, the one who is giving it to them. Like usually in mainstream and monogamous relationships. If we know it is that our partner is receiving certain things but from outside, not from us, that like kind of brings up a lot of insecurities and that actually, like is very triggering. And that's when jealousy comes in versus competition, which is like the opposite of jealousy. Like in competition, you're actually feeling fulfilled and you're feeling grateful and you're feeling happy and you feel love towards your partner having that experience. So that doesn't mean, though, that people in open relationships and open dynamics don't feel jealousy. That is completely insane. Everyone feels fucking jealousy like it's a fucking emotion and it's going to come up like you feel it with your friends. You feel it with your sisters. You feel it with your partner, with your parents, like you feel it with coworkers. It's not something that is tied to romantic relationships. You're always going to feel jealousy at certain moments like that's totally natural, and the way that you manage it is what's important. And that applies to monogamy or open relating. So I'm not even going to go into jealousy because that applies to both. Now, um, going deeper into like my experience. I have truly seen other men speak so highly of their other partners, and I've seen those partners be so supportive of my dynamic. Then that has actually continued to make me feel like, okay, this is totally doable. Like, we are so used to like women hating other women because like, you stole my man or like you're hitting on my man. And I feel like in this community when people are, like, really tapped into. The beauty of open reality. They encourage those dynamics and they don't. They don't feel threatened by it or the country. They they actually feel some kind of relief. They feel like, wow. Like I'm not the only one that is here to support my boyfriend. Like there's other women in their life who are also taking care of him, who are also helping him, or also celebrating him or also loving him. Like, wow, like what a beautiful thing to have. Um, so yeah, there's a lot of things that I have to just kind of like learn as I go. And one of them is the fucking agreements. I think this is like the heart is. And the most misunderstood thing about open relationships, I think, number one, I think agreements is something that should also apply to monogamous relationships, like. Why do everyone, why does everyone just fucking use whatever society uses as the template for relationships? Like, if you're going to do monogamy, you should still create agreements in your relationship. Like it has to be something that both people like verbally consented to that. Okay. Like this is what we want. And actually something that tends to happen a lot in monogamous relationships is like both people in it are non in the same page towards what is considered an infidelity. For example, one partner might think that just texting another person who you're sexually attracted to is an infidelity, while another person might think that that, like the other person in their relationship, might think that is totally okay, and the infidelity only comes in when you have sex with that person. So that is an agreement that you guys want to come to. And you guys want to agree together. What does infidelity mean to your relationship and what is considered an infidelity? Now, the same way that agreement can exist in monogamous relationships and open relationships, it's a lot harder because again, there's more people involved, so there's a lot more drama, there's a lot more emotions in the air. And like if you know how hard it is to have one partner, like imagine having multiple. So yes, it's a lot harder. Like I don't think it's an easy relationship style. Like I think the people who say that, all people who go for open relating are just like people who who just want the easy way, the easy route, because they can like, control their pants and whatever. No, absolutely nothing about open relationships because that is not true at all. It is so hard. Like it requires so much personal development. It requires so much open communication. Then you have to be really tapped into your emotions. You have to be really open and vulnerable, and you really need to know how to navigate conflict, um, gracefully, which I think again, applies to all relationships. But I think in open relationships you're forced more to do it. I think the monogamous container works like that, like a container, like it's it's harder to have so many conflicts when you're closed in this container, whether in an open dynamics, there's so many components that can arise, a lot of conflict. And again, also, we all know that this is like challenging society's belief in challenging like societal terms. So this kind of relationship style comes also with a lot of backlash from your family, from community. So it's just a lot more challenging now the same way. Challenging. It's fulfilling. One of the reasons why I love relationships, whether it's friendships and family dynamics, whatever it is like, I feel like relationships truly like nurture your soul, but they also like crack you open. I'm not that person about like just working on yourself alone. I did that, that shit doesn't work. You're not trigger like you're alone. Like there's so much that just comes to the surface when you're challenged by other people. So one of the things that really keep calling me into, into open reading is the way that it challenged me, the way that it opens up things that I didn't even know about myself. It just brings stuff up to the surface. And I love that show. Like, I love making love to that. So yeah, if you're someone who definitely wants a lot more stability and groundedness and just can, like monogamy might be something that is way better for you and that's okay. But maybe if you're someone that you constantly feel like I need more, like more in life, like you search for that thrill and you constantly want to like, continue to have like, rebirths and regrowth and you change a lot. Then open leading might be way more for you. With that being said, going back to agreements and open relationships, they tend to be a lot of agreements deepening the partnership again. But this is something that I had a lot of challenge with and some dynamics, because I don't like any agreement that is like imposed on me. If I'm going to be part of an agreement, I want to be part of the decision making of that agreement. And there's certain like open relationships that are like hierarchical, where you have like a primary partner and then you have like secondary partners. And in that primary partnership, there's agreements that are made that might affect the relationship with the secondary partners. So just to give an example, let's say I have this primary partner and I decide that I don't feel comfortable with him bringing other partners into our house. So doesn't matter what. I don't want any other partners in the house. That is an agreement that we can both come to terms with. And he might be like, okay, I totally accept that I'm never going to bring another partner into our home. And that might feel really good for other secondary partners, but there might be one that feels like. But that doesn't feel fair to me, because then you're always coming into my home, and then everything is just on one side and I don't appreciate that I'm blah, blah, blah. And that's how like, different stuff can come up. I'm just giving that example of like a specific agreement. But those agreements can go like even deeper. Like they can be like, oh, like. You can only kiss other partners, you can have sex or you can only text, but you can send sexy pictures. Or there's so many different things that can be agreed upon and those I'm just kind of like, skeptical about. To be honest. I feel like agreements should be something that makes the relationship more expansive, and that holds like a safe container to all the parties involved. But I sometimes feel like in open relationships, some people might use agreements as a way to mask their insecurities, and they might just say like, oh, I don't want you to do this, and this is an agreement, but in reality is like, are you really sitting in with that? Like, why don't you want that? Is it really because the partnership needs that? Or is it because you're afraid of feeling jealous or you're afraid of losing control or whatever the case? Now, I'm not saying that hierarchical relationships cannot be beautiful. I am sure that for some people, they work, and there's a part of me that actually enjoys being a secondary partner because there's a level of freedom. Like when you're in other primary, you have a lot more kind of space for yourself, and it kind of merges a little bit with like casual, like it can be a little bit more casual, but at the same time a little bit more committed. It's not like a one night stand. So there's definitely beauties in hierarchical dynamics, but I feel like that's something that I learned through this journey. I don't enjoy that much being in those dynamics. Like, I feel like I would thrive more in non-hierarchical, um, dynamics where everyone is equal. Doesn't matter how long you've been with each partner, doesn't matter if you live with one or the other. So what I've learned from from this time, in my case, I do believe in like having multiple partners, but there's an equality to it. Now, that doesn't mean that I give them all the same amount of energy and time. Now, I think that is completely irrational. I don't think that can ever be done. I think that it's just setting yourself up for failure. I don't think humanly possible. You can have three partners, for example, and dedicate exactly the same amount, amount to three and give the same amount of money and energy and everything to a three. I think like like everything, like life fluctuates. There might be a month that one of the partners had a family member die, and you're going to be way more invested in that partner at that time because you want to be there for them. You might be living with another partner, so naturally you're going to spend more time with them. You're maybe going to share. Nonsense with them. You might have kids with them. So there's going to be a lot of other like factors that are going to play into how much time you dictate into every partner. And I don't like that for me is bullshit. Like, I don't really care about how much time you spend with each. As long as you're taking care of your partnerships and the relationships are thriving. I do think that in order for you to be like a conscious, open, relating person, you do need to be aware of the bandwidth that you have, and not because you're attracted to many people and means that you're going to be in partnership with many people. Were humans. We we can believe that we have infinite amounts of love to give, but that doesn't mean we have infinite amount of energy, time, money. So I definitely think that there's there's a thing of like being saturated and deciding, like, okay, I know that I could be with like ten people that I've loved, but I'm not going to because I, I don't want to be overwhelmed. I don't want to be like spread too thin. And I might just be just with two people, just with three, whatever the case. Or you can just be with one person and still, like, you can add this moment, just be romantically with one person and still be considered a open, relating relationship style because it's more like your belief system. Let's say, like I haven't found another person that I love. That doesn't mean that I want a monogamous relationship. Like coming back to agreement. Sorry, I've been kind of rambling a little bit today, but as you can see, it's a topic that I'm very passionate about and I'll definitely do more episodes in. I think agreements can be very helpful, but I also think they can be very detrimental. It just depends the reasoning behind creating those agreements. If you're someone who is already in a monogamous relationship and you're trying to opening it up, I really, really encourage you to read, to take some time to read some books or hear some podcasts. I'm going to have some recommendations in the notes of this episode, because I really feel like just jumping in to explore when you're single is totally cool, but when you're in a partnership, it can be very detrimental because you're not just taking care of yourself, you're just taking care of someone else. And it can be very tricky. So and then you're also like bringing people in into your dynamic so you can hurt a lot of people if you're not being conscious in the way that you're doing it. So yes, I just I just hope that this kind of like takes away some of the misconceptions and maybe sparks a little bit of curiosity. My intention is just for you to make sure that whatever you're picking, you are picking. It's not that it was like handed to you. When forced to you. Monogamy is something that all of the religions are kind of like forcing on legal system forces say, like you can only get married to one person in the US. Like you can have multiple partners. So I just encourage you to really tap into if this is something that you pick because it feels true to you, or if it feels like, you know, this isn't working, and I want to try something different and know that you have total freedom to do so, that you can try different things and you can try it and be like, I tried it. It does not feel right to me. Now. I just want you to know, if you try with just one person and doesn't work, it might be that person to like. I think there's people who practice really beautiful open relating the same way. There's people who practice really beautiful monogamous relationships, but there's also the country and there's so much expectations in the community. So I would just say like, just be very present with your emotions, how you feel, have resources, have a community to like be there for you, like have friends that are that can support you, that also believe in this kind of relationship style. And if you don't like, search for groups or search for communities because you will need support like you will need people to talk to, like everyone in relationships talks to their friends and they kind of like help each other out. So the same goes here. And like there's therapists that believe and open reality. And you can also like change your therapist and try to like be with a person that knows about the subject and can also help you navigate it because it's not the same. It's not the same as monogamy. There's a lot of concepts that are different, and I think one of the main ones that I forgot to mention before is a level of attachment and possessiveness. That's kind of what I really love about open reading. It really lacks that in monogamous relationship is so normal ized to be fully attached to your partner, and for this partner to give you absolutely everything and to fulfill absolutely everything. And there's so much like possessiveness, like it's sort of feels like you lose, you lose your freedom when you're in certain kinds of monogamous relationships. I don't want to generalize. I know it's not all, but I do think it's the majority. I think there's a lot of things that are so normalized that people in monogamous relationships don't even think it's possessive. But for me, it is like you're literally stripping away, like all of my freedom. This whole shit about controlling, like who you follow, who you like, like who do you talk to? I feel like in an open relating, we really believe that every person is its own entity, and it's a grown ass adult that can make its own decisions. And there's no such thing as you can do this or you need to do this, you know, um, at least in the consciousness kind of open relationships, styles and relationships that I want to pursue and that I've been in, in dynamic with. I'm gonna leave it at that because we run a lot, and I know I'll make more episodes, but let me know, like let me know. If you're currently exploring this kind of dynamic, let me know if you're not or you're curious if you have any specific questions. I would love to know so I can maybe touch on it on the next episodes that I do regarding this topic. So definitely feel free to reach out to me via Instagram. You can also leave a review here. It really means a lot. And you can also like send this episode to friends that might have asked you about this, or might be curious to just like, let them know there's more people out there who are talking about it, and I'm here to support in any way that I can about like my experience and what I've seen.